Ass Baby, a Cautionary Tale

1 Mar

It’s been a long time again. I did end up having a D&C last month after bleeding over 70 days. It went fine.

This morning I had my ass cut open. Let me back up …

Last night, I was in horrible, awful pain. I couldn’t sleep all night. It hurt to sit, stand, or lay down thanks to a hemorrhoid protruding from my butt. This was no normal, run of the mill hemorrhoid, though. This was in a whole other realm of broken butt-ness that I never knew existed.

At 2 a.m., I was in the kitchen attempting to ice my butthole. I laid on my side and my stomach on the sofa hoping for relief that wasn’t coming. I texted my bff who’s a nurse at 3 in the morning. She answered around 5 and told me to see my doctor or go to the ER and that this didn’t sound in the realm of normal.

I waited for my PCP’s office to open at 8:30. By now, I’d figured out that I likely had a thrombosed hemorrhoid. I called and said (no joke): “It feels like I’m giving a slow and painful birth to an ass baby.” My colorful language worked and they booked me immediately.

When I got there, I was taken to a run that looked like where they perform minor surgeries and not a normal exam room, so I knew they were going to cut me.

The doc took one look in there and confirmed what I was thinking. It was a thrombosed hemorrhoid and it needed to be drained. He and a nurse spread my cheeks and numbed the area, which was excruciating. Nobody should ever be coming at you with needles in your asshole. It’s the worst.

Then he cut me. Instant relief … for a few hours, at least. He packed new full of gauze and sent me on my way and told new not to lift anything and to take sitz baths. Oh, and he showed me the clot, which was the size of a cherry. *vomit*

Once I got home, the numbness wore off. My husband attempted to help me change out the gauze and I got blood everywhere. He had to shampoo the carpet, wash sheets and mop the bathroom floor. It was awful. Oh, and my ass started to feel like 20 bees were stinging in my asshole. So bad.

I’m terrified of the poop that will inevitably come. Terrified.

Needless to say, today was traumatizing and my butt hurts. I really don’t know what happened that landed me here, but I hope it never happens again. 

#brokenbuttholeclub

Tales from Unexplained Uterus-Land

3 Jan

I’m so bad about posting in here. It’s probably because I’m tired. Really, really tired. See, I’m 9 months postpartum. That wouldn’t really matter much, and I’m going to go full-blown TMI here, but I’ve had my period for FORTY-FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT.

Yes, 45 days. No break. All the bleeding. All the fun. I’m single-handedly responsible for keeping the feminine product industry alive. Also, I broke down and tried those free-bleed Thinx underwear because I was losing my mind with the tampons and the pads and the will-this-ever-end?!?! feelings. The answer? Nope, never gonna end. Aunt Flo is here to stay.

I called my doctor around day 20-something. He did an ultrasound with dildo-cam (my favorite, haven’t had one since I was pregnant and I had so many of those when I was at the fertility center) and had me take a blood test.

Guess what, you guys. Both came back normal. My uterus, while misbehaving currently, is apparently normal. No fibroids, no polyps, not even any cysts, which I am known for producing at expert-level since I have PCOS. My blood work also came back normal. According to my doctor, my bleeding is “unexplained.”

Um, what?

So, he sent me on my merry ho-ho-ho way, all “unexplained” and everything with a prescription for progesterone that he told me to go ahead and start taking to make my period stop.

Christmas came and I was like:

Blackboard with the text: All I Want For Christmas in a conceptu

Santa didn’t deliver. That rat bastard.

Then New Year’s came and I was like:

Hand writing Resolution for 2017 with marker, concept background

2017 didn’t do me a solid and end this madness, either. Thanks for nothing.

 

I took the progesterone. I took all of it (as prescribed, of course). While it decreased the intensity of Aunt Flo, it didn’t make her go back into hiding. That brings us to today, day 45 of this blood-filled journey.

I left my doctor a message today to let him know the progesterone didn’t work, but only after my husband bugged me to call their office (I must be a real peach being on the rag this long). His office called me back later to tell me I have two options —

  1. Try a prescription that’s basically birth control to see if that kicks my lady parts back into gear.
  2. Get in a D&C (outpatient surgery) to try to “reset my uterus.”

They even said I could schedule the D&C now if I wanted. Um, how many times can a person go under the knife? I mean, really? I HAVE HAD SO MANY SURGERIES. Why haven’t we tested my hormones or my thyroid to make sure it’s not one of those? Why am I the one asking this stuff? Why are doctors so quick to recommend surgery before getting to the root of the problem? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Do I need to go find myself a good endocrinologist now?

Also, I have feelings about going back on the pill. I’ve been off of it since 2012-ish. I don’t really want to go back on it. I would like to have another kid, but I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me given my infertility woes and lovely PCOS. I don’t know if I’m willing to go through everything I went through before again. It was really stressful and I felt really alone when I was going through it. I’d rather it happen naturally if it’s meant to be, which probably means nothing would happen. I guess I’m okay with that, too. I have a healthy, happy, entertaining little boy already, which is more than I could ever ask for.

Anyway, this is mostly a vent. I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m in pain. I’m bleeding.

I’d really like for this to stop already.

 

 

Where Have All The Moms Gone?

22 Dec

Who am I kidding? You’re busy with your kids, not sleeping, working, and generally being superwomen, duh!

So yeah, I’ve been absent myself. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day work and kid routine. I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around having a now 9-month old. NINE MONTHS! Already!

My (not so) little guy is growing and changing so fast. I want to slow down time. He’s starting to crawl. His personality is emerging more and more. He makes me laugh and smile each day. I love watching him learn and figure things out.

Anyhow, even though I haven’t read any mom blogs in awhile, I hope you all are doing great and gearing up for your first Christmas with your little(s). We’re pretty excited to experience the magic of Christmas through a child’s eyes around here, too. Merry Christmas!

Baby Weight

26 Sep

It’s time to get healthy and lose the baby weight. My husband also put on sympathy weight while I was pregnant. We started our lifestyle change today. We want to be healthy and happy and set a good example for our son.


Stepping on the scale and admitting to each other that we’re both the most overweight we’ve ever been in our lives kinda sucked. Okay, it really sucked. I keep telling myself that this morning was the last time I’ll ever see that terrible number. 

I’ve been really depressed about my “mom pooch” and body in general for months. None of my old clothes fit. I have obliques of flab. I’ve been wearing maternity clothes or LuLaRoe for months.   And then at night when I was feeling emo about it all, I’d eat my feelings. So yeah, it’s time for a change around here!

We can do it!

Five Month Struggle

28 Aug

My husband and I have been two passengers on the struggle bus for the last week. First, I got sick with a “summer cold.” It kept getting worse, though, so I went to see my doctor. What do I have? Mastitis and an ear infection. Yuck. Mastitis is awful.

Fast forward a couple days and my husband starts feeling sick. He was getting worse and worse. I forced him to go to urgent care Saturday when I found out he was coughing blood. What does he have? Pneumonia. 😳

We’ve been so scared our little guy might come down with something. So far, he’s been ok. He must be getting some strong antibodies from his milkies. He hasn’t been very nice to us, though. The Judd keeps waking up around 4 a.m. 😩 It’s not cool. I’m exhausted. 

In other news, the little guy’s started foods and it’s so fun to watch his excitement. So far, our only issues have been with prunes and pears. He breaks out in a rash when he eats them. Oh, and he hates avocado. He dry heaved when we fed him that. 

4 Months

27 Jul

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I can’t believe my little guy is four months old now. He is such a happy kid. I really didn’t expect to have a child this happy most of the time. He’s just so dang cute!

My favorite part of the day is walking into his room in the morning when he’s babbling away in his crib. Once he sees me, the biggest smile comes across his face. It’s pretty much the best feeling in the whole world. My husband and I both love “stealing” the first smile of the day. 

We’ve started taking him to baby time at our local library. They sing songs and read and play. He loves it and has really been getting into it the last few weeks. He discovered toys last week. It’s so fun to see him learning and figuring things out. We started sitting him in his high chair when we eat dinner. He’s so interested in watching us eat.

There have been a few setbacks. I think he’s going through the so-called four month regression as far as sleep. It’s been really hard to get him to go and stay asleep at night. He also likes to wake up at 5 a.m. on the dot. It’s hard to work all day and feel this exhausted. Hopefully he goes back to sleeping like a champ again soon.

I Caught Hot Poop with My Bare Hand Today

29 May

Yep, that happened. One minute, I was sitting in my living room holding my son and talking to a couple of my friends who were over for the holiday and the next minute I was catching my son’s poop with my bare hand. It poured out of the side of his diaper, onto my leg, into my hand, and onto the floor. Then my friend, bless her, ran for towels and started helping me catch it. That’s what friends are for, y’all … to help you catch your baby’s poo when your hand is covered in it. 

Motherhood, it’s full of surprises. 😂😂😂

tippytupps

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